about me or, my Slim Shady

I suppose I should tell you a little about myself. Where to start?

Well, I was only thirteen when mom took me away from the commune. It was the middle of the night and she was shaking. We hitched rides from truckers all the way to Knoxville. Mom worked two jobs there, one as an IHOP waitress and one as a meter maid. I got a job running moonshine in a golf cart for a guy named Bill until Mom got run over by a lady trying to parallel park a Hummer. I was so mad that I covered the lady's lawn in moonshine and torched it. First the cops came after me, and then Bill, for taking his booze, so I hightailed it to California. There I got involved in a startup in Silicon Valley, ScrapHappy.com. We were gonna be the Amazon.com of plywood. Our shares split twice before the end.

I had been skimming money off the top until one of the partners caught me at it. Fortunately Bill showed up right at that moment and shot the guy, mistaking him for me. I escaped and spent a year wandering the country as a freelance sign painter - I hung a blank one round my neck and told folks I'd paint it for food. Eventually my restless feet took me back to the commune of my youth - but I found it had been taken over by a group of agri-terrorists who were growing stinky organic crops to overthrow the farming proletariat. After some small misunderstandings, I helped them setup a website and sell the stuff online, mostly to the French. Eventually we incorporated and then were bought out by a rival company. As one of V.P.'s I was paid millions to go quietly. I have since settled in Oregon and now am trying to breed an exciting new strain of red oranges.