in praise of insecurity

Written Wyrdd has some excellent thoughts on the writing process on her blog, specifically the difference bewteen a "rough draft" and a "first draft." She says that the "rough draft" is something you don't show to anyone, because it represents a Work in Progress and won't make sense to anyone outside the author. I really feel this, at an emotional level right now. I've just completed the rough draft for a short story (the "character-driven" one, referred to in earlier posts). And my first reaction as I started editing last night was "Oh my gosh, this sucks!"

I would probably despair and burn the manuscript if I didn't know from experience that this is always my first reaction to something I've written, even if in retrospect I feel it's brilliant (subjective call, people!). But that first glance - when I have no distance from the WiP and it's still exists in all its raw, unedited splendour - virtually always plunges me into a miasma of despair. Later on, when the thing is polished and gleaming I'll feel quite the proud papa, if history is any guide. Right now my thoughts are more along the lines of "can it be saved? or should I just bury it?"

I left off editing earlier than I should last night because I couldn't figure out why it just wasn't working for me. As I lay in bed, I thought about what exactly it was that wasn't working for me and also what things I did like. I came up with a little mental list, something like this:

Don't like:
-The dialogue is too smugly clever
-The narrative is too syrupy and maudlin
-The whole thing comes off as navel-gazingly romanticized

Like:
-Quiet character 'moments'
-Spare, disinterested descriptive bits
-Places where their lead characters antagonism feels real and not cutesy

After some thought, these points resolved themselves into a clear editorial direction to take: I need to step back. Pull the camera away from the characters, out of their heads. This is possibly at the risk of confusing the reader, which is always my big issue when writing (I under-write in the sense that I try to communicate as little information as possible to get the job done, and often that's too little.), so I try to avoid it. This time, though, I think it might be better to go with my first instincts - let the characters be a little ambiguous, at first, and allow them to reveal themselves very gradually. Stick to spare, descriptive passages. Don't inject any more narratorial insight than is strictly necessary.

At the inception of a story, when I have that first germ of an idea, I usually have some sort of 'feel' that is part of my vision for the story. Often, between idea and execution, this idea can get lost in translation, or at least trampled underfoot a little bit. Now that I've got plot and setting and character all happily meshing in my sloppy little draft, it's time to make sure the whole thing is on track with the original idea, the one that got me excited about the story in the first place. I won't be happy with the story until it is.

What is it supposed to be? Just a day in the life, a window into about twelve hours of the lives of two people meeting for the first time who do not know that they are already deeply connected. A day that goes completely wrong in the sense of their plans for it, and completely right in a larger sense.

If I can capture that in a draft, I'll be very happy.